Travelling With A Time Lord
by Shrink To Be
Summary: This is just a series of random one shots or a series of annoying repetitive jokes, that I have put together. I hope you enjoy them. Now with Martha! update: Freema fiddles with the script!
1. 1 Attack From Above

**Summary:** This is just a series of random one shots (or a series of annoying repetitive jokes,) that I have put together. I hope you enjoy them. I can promise you that you will never see Doctor Who in the same light ever again (however I do not issue refunds.) Enjoy!

**Author Notes:** I know I know its madness. It's not even that funny. But what the heck, I had the inspiration to right some rubbish and here it is… please review and tell me how good ( or more likely, bad,) it is. Thank you.

-

The aeroplane grew closer.

"Hey look…" Rose said, "That aeroplane is heading right for us."

The doctor looked up and saw the plane. It looked small as it was a great distance away- but from what he could see, it was heading right for them.

"We're going to die!" He gasped.

"No we aren't… we can just move away." Rose pulled the Doctor, who was shaking with fright, down the road.

"It's still going to hit us!" He panicked, "I'm too young to die Rose!"

Rose looked at him. "Too young…? Your nine hundred years old!"

The Doctor whimpered and then looked at his watch. "True…"

The plane grew closer.

"But I still don't want to die!" He shouted.

"You're not going to! I mean its not going to- it's going to hit us isn't it?" She said looking at the plane.

"No shit Sherlock!" He hissed. "I didn't even get to kiss madam pompadour again…" He flung his arms around Rose and wailed. "I'll never snog another person in my life!"

Rose's eyes slowly glanced down the Doctor's neck. "You know Doctor…I'm willing to-"

"I'M GONNA DIE A VIRGIN!" He sobbed into her shoulder.

Rose frowned at this. A nine hundred year old virgin… ouch.

The plane grew closer.

The doctor pulled away from Rose. Rose noticed with dismay that he had smudged his rouge lipstick onto her jacket. "Hey- This jacket's new!"

"Oh well _I'm sorry!_" He said sarcastically. "It wasn't _me_ who put it on though was it?"

"You asked me to put it on for you!" Rose argued defensively.

"It's still your fault!" He said. His mascara had run because of his crying. It would have been a funny sight, but unfortunately this had happened too many times before for Rose.

The plane grew closer.

"Argh! After all that! I'm going to be killed by a stupid human invention!"

"It's not stupid!" Rose said.

"Well _excuse me!_" The Doctor said. "I'll have you know that aeroplanes have such a low IQ that they are almost as stupid as Mickey The Idiot. Actually,aeroplanes don't even _have_ an IQ..."

The plane was only 40 metres away now. Why did it still look tiny?

"Noooooo…" The Doctor dropped to his feet dramatically as the remote controlled aeroplane went over the top of their heads and headed towards a small boy who was enjoying a warm evening in the park with his father.

"Um…Doctor?" Rose looked at the Doctor who was now on the floor- apparently having a nervous breakdown.

"That boy! That boy is so evil! He is so evil that I feel like talking in capital letters!" He cried.

"No…please! Anything but that!" Rose squealed.

"HE IS SO EVIL! THAT KID SHOULD BE SHUT IN PRISON!"

"Oh no…" Rose sighed.

"OI! ARE YOU THIS BOY'S FATHER?" The Doctor walked up to the man that the boy was with. The man looked scared- well so would you if a mad man started to scream at you.

"Yes…" He said quietly.

"OK THEN. HAVE A NICE DAY." The doctor said politely and calmly walked back to the TARDIS.

"Doctor… could you stop talking in capitals now. Please." Rose asked.

"SORRY BUT NO CAN DO. WHEN A TIME LORD STARTS TO TALK LIKE THIS THEN THEY HAVE TO STAY TALKING LIKE THIS FOR ABOUT A DECADE. NOT THAT LONG TO WAIT." He said. He was not shouting, but Rose could hear the annoyingness of the constant capitals in his voice. It was like when she had received text messages from her mum when she was younger. Her mum was inexperienced with phones, and could just about text- as long as there was a full stop to divide up each word- but unfortunately she could not work out how to turn the writing off of 'capital letter' mode.

Rose sighed tiredly. She didn't know what she was going to do with the doctor, but she did know one thing; she was going to the laundry room straight away and she was going to wash her blouse. Why does the Doctor's favourite lippy _have_ to be the one that stains?


	2. Is This The Way To Better Vision?

**Summary:** The Doctor sings about his trip to the optician…that's all I have to say.

-

**Author Notes:** Ok, I had just got back from getting some contact lenses sorted out and I started to sing the chorus… made it up on the spot… so err, please enjoy! The rhyming fits with itself (I checked) and I also looked up the lyrics so it should all fit in time to the actual song-(the syllables are right mainly.) Please review!

-

Alternative Lyrics to Tony Christie's 'Is This The Way To Amarillo.'

-

-

Sha la la lala lalala

Sha la la lala lalala

Sha la la lala lalala

And Queen Victoria's chasing me!

-

When the day is dawning,

On a Scottish Sunday morning,

How I want see well

With my eyes that are constantly blurring.

-

Every scary planet,

That the TARDIS treks,

Ain't as half as pretty,

As it would be if I had new specs!

-

Is this the way to better vision?

Yesterday I saw the optician,

Said it was the way to better vision,

And Queen Victoria's chasing me.

Is this the way to better vision?

I've been walking into lampposts,

I need a way to better vision,

And Queen Victoria's chasing me!

-

Sha la la lala lalala

Sha la la lala lalala

Sha la la lala lalala

And Queen Victoria's chasing me!

-

You see Queen Victoria,

Doesn't appreciate good manners,

All we did was save her,

And now she wants my guts for supper.

-

Now I really need it,

I think I'm going in!

To get my eye's sorted,

So I can see properly again!

-

Is this the way to better vision?

Yesterday I saw the optician,

Said it was the way to better vision,

And Queen Victoria's chasing me.

Is this the way to better vision?

I've been walking into lampposts,

I need a way to better vision,

And Queen Victoria's chasing me!

-

Sha la la lala lalala

Sha la la lala lalala

Sha la la lala lalala

And Queen Victoria's chasing me!


	3. Tribute to World Cup 2006

"Come on Doctor- We need you!" Rose grabbed his arm and shoved him onto the pitch. He was wearing mini shorts with a small t-shirt in front of a zillion billion people.

"DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR!" The crowd screamed loudly. He grinned at the sky.

"Yeeess!" He shouted to no-one in particular. "Oi, David, mate! Over 'ere!"

David Beckham passed the football to the Doctor.

The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver from his front pocket and ran down the pitch with the ball. He was pushing past all the Germans. They were going to win!

"Argh! Schizer!" The Doctor cursed as a German Shepard ran out in front of him. It wasn't a dog. It was an actually Shepard. "I don't need any wool today thank you," said the Doctor. He switched on the sonic screwdriver and pointed it towards the Shepard.

"Nooooooo!" The Shepard screamed as he fell to the floor in the middle of the Berlin football stadium.

"Yeeeeeeess!" The Doctor screamed as he kicked the ball right into the back of the net. He pulled his shirt over his head and started to do the cancan in celebration.

"NOOOO!" Shouted the England fans.

"That was OUR goal!" Beckham shouted at the hyperactive Time Lord.

"Oh." The Doctor said.

10 seconds later, the Doctor had the ball yet again. This time he was running in the right direction.

He runs.

He shoots.

HE SCORES!

"YAY!" the Doctor said. He took off his T-shirt. Al the England fans were cheering. All the German fans were fighting. It was perfect.

England had won the World cup of 2006 against Germany. All because of the Doctor.

LATER

"Doctor, are you sure it was necessary to play in that match? What does it have to do with saving the world?" Rose asked over a cuppa.

"Well, you see Tony Blair had this bet on with George Bush. If England lost then Tony would have to pose naked for a photo shoot. These images would have then been posted around the world."

"Oh…"

"Of course there's nothing wrong with that in itself but after that people started to put the picture of Tony together with some pictures of George that they found on a 'lonely hearts' website."

"I thought he was married…"

"That's not the point. The point is that if England had lost the World Cup of 2006, then the entire of Earths population would go insane. I've seen the pictures. They're not pretty."

"I can imagine…"

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "How could you?"

"Nothing it's just that I can understand how people would be grossed out by pictures of two men at it with each other."

"Now Rose, there is nothing wrong with homosexuals. But, just for the record, Tony and George aren't actually men. They're cybermen. Like I said, not a pretty picture."

Rose put down her cup of tea.


	4. Conversations 1

Conversations 1

Summary: A conversation between a few people, warning, lots of double entendres and sex related topics…

Author Notes: My friend helped me write this… (mainly in our math lessons) So I can blame her for all the sex stuff- it wasn't me- honest:-p

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TARDIS: I'm bored…

Doctor: Well what do you want me to do, STRIP?

TARDIS: Been there, done that.

Doctor: Do you want Rose to strip then?

Rose: DOCTOR!

Doctor: Only joking! (Realises that Rose couldn't hear the TARDIS's side of the conversation…)

Rose: But I wouldn't mind you striping…random thing to say though…

Doctor: Uh… (Goes red)Um…

Rose: Don't worry…I…was um…only joking too…(shifty eyes. Also goes red.)

Doctor: (Lets eyes linger for a little too long)

Rose: Well…of course unless you want to…? (Sounds nervous and excited)

Doctor: (Pulls disgusted face.) With a humanoid? Perrrlease! Eww! I prefer abzorbaloffs…

Rose: Oh…

Doctor: (thinks deeply with a finger in his mouth.)

Rose: Um…

Doctor: (closes eyes and moans.)

Rose: I have an idea! Just stay here!( runs off to wardrobe.)

Doctor: (stays where he is, still sucking finger.)

Rose: (comes back wearing an abzorbaloff outfit.)

Doctor: (removes finger from his mouth with a small 'pop'.) Now that's more like it…!

Rose & the Doctor: (go have fun.)

TARDIS: (Is no longer bored.)


	5. Conversations 2

Conversations 2

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Doctor: Well, wasn't that fun…

Rose: Yeah, I haven't had that much fun in a bed for a long time…

Doctor: Well you're not usually in the bed with a Time Lord are you? (Winks)

Rose: Well, I wouldn't mind doing it again, if you're up to it?

Doctor: I dunno, that first round really took it out of me.

Rose: Oh Go On! You want it don't you? (Touches his hand)

Doctor: Well…

Rose: I did think you liked it, soft, bouncy… defiantly energetic. Really gets you going.

Doctor: Mmm… (Quickly wipes away drool) Yeah but it messes up my hair!

Rose: Well… It messes up lots of peoples hair, you could always try going on top.

Doctor: It's more fun on the bottom though… I feel more secure cos there are more restraints.

Rose: Oh come on then… (Drags him back onto the bed rollercoaster ride in the theme park on planet Gamer)

-

Author notes: Yeh… it's completely innocent! A bed rollercoaster is just like a normal rollercoaster but it has beds rather than little carriage things… its just a lot more comfortable. 0:-)


	6. Conversation 3

**That Time Of The Month**

Narrator: One day in the TARDIS, the Doctor and Rose are eating bacon sandwiches for breakfast…

Rose: Oh. My. God. You TRAITOR!

Doctor: What?

Rose: I thought you were VEGETARIAN!

Doctor: But-

Rose: Murderer!

Doctor: Rose I-

Rose: NOOOO! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

Doctor: I didn't do anything to you.

Rose: (pauses, looking stumped)

Doctor: Well?

Rose: Bitch. (Stomps out.)

Doctor: Um… (Shrugs and continues to eat sandwich.)

---A-FEW-MINUTES-LATER---

Rose: (Walks back in, smiling happily.)

Doctor: (Stops eating and looks at her somewhat nervously.)

Rose: Morning!

Doctor: Morning…

Rose: Mmm, bacon sandwiches! (looks around) Where's mine then?

Doctor: (Gulps and looks guilty.)

Rose: You ate them, didn't you?

Doctor: (Nods nervously)

Rose: Bitch. (Stomps out again.)

Doctor: (Is speechless)

---ONE-HOUR-LATER---

Narrator: the Doctor is now fiddling around with the controls of the TARDIS console. Rose then walks in…

Doctor: Hello Rose!

Rose: (Grunts)

Doctor: Where shall we go?

Rose: (Grunts)

Doctor: 43rd century America?

Rose: (Grunts)

Doctor: Meet Shakespeare?

Rose: (Grunts)

Doctor: Pluto? Though we'd have to dress up warm of course…

Rose: (Grunts)

Doctor: … (looks disgruntled) How about a planet full of grunting apes?

Rose: (Grunts)

Doctor: (Grunts while glaring at Rose.)

Rose: (Rolls eyes dramatically.) Ugh…


	7. Conversations 4

**Author Notes: **It's not the most original of conversations… but it's an update -)

Situation: The TARDIS is temporarily stuck, gently floating in nothingness. On board, R and Dr are aware that they will be stuck for several days. The Doctor is weirdly on edge, like he's been drinking too much coffee. Rose has a combination of PMS, PMT and bi-polar.

Doctor: Jumping jelly beans! Jumps up and down

Rose: Glares at him

Doctor: Hops over to Rose and sticks his tongue out

Rose: laughs

The Wind: Blows

Doctor's face: Gets stuck like that

Doctor: Makes panicked, incomprehensible noise

Rose: Laughs some more

Doctor: starts to cry

Rose: starts to cry

Doctor: goes and makes another cup of tea

Rose: turns on the TARDIS's radio and goes emo

Doctor: Discovers there is only coffee

Doctor: Goes and makes another cup of tea

Doctor: Sugar?

Rose: Grunts

Doctor: How many?

Rose: thinks, then grunts five times as Doctor counts on his fingers

Doctor: Coffee with five sugars coming up!

Rose: Hehehehe…

Doctor: makes coffee

Rose: smiles evilly

Doctor: Drinks coffee Hey, this tastes funny!

Rose: Laughs out loud

Doctor: looks scared Rose…why do I feel weird?

Rose: to herself Ah, that'll be the Cannabis kicking in…

Doctor: WHAT?! You SPIKED the SUGAR?????!?!?!?!?!

Rose: Uh huh! sticks tongue out

Doctor: looks down at coffee cup Shit.


	8. The Doctor Rambles

Summary: Doctor and Martha are in the console room, The Doctor starts talking…

The Doctor Rambles

"So then, while she was recalibrating I **ran** into the kitchen and put the kettle on. I grabbed my special mug which came from the googaah tribe; very nice Zangoes as far as Zangoes go. Zangoes go. I like it! I seem to have a knack of doing things like that…"

Martha rolls her eyes as the prominent vein in her forehead starts to throb. _Not again…_ She turns around and sticks her hand into her pocket…

"I'm quite good with words, me. I'm sure you appreciate that already, though, without me having to point out the obvious. With all that education lark you have to do to get into med school… Must be why you're so quiet- they've made you subconsciously afraid of speaking out of turn…"

She sticks the needle into the small bottle and extends the plunger. The colourless liquid is pulled into the needle's tubing.

"It's nice really. I mean, there was this girl I met once who slapped me whenever I started rambling. Very painful… I'm rambling again aren't I?" The Doctor finally pauses for breath. "Ah well… What's the worst that can happen, eh? I've never lost my voice before- Which, I might add, is something I'm very proud of. No matter how much I talk, ramble, _shout_, SCREAM, it just doesn't happen. I wonder how long I could talk non-stop without using oxygen… probably a very long time, and judging by the amount I've said in the last two minutes I doubt I'll ever run out of things to say. Maybe I should go back to the beginning of time, and **then**, start talking about shopping –every singly different kinds of shopping, different shops, the people, the food…- and **then** I'll see how long it takes before I change topic…" The Doctor bites his lip. "The first mention of a hot dog stand and I'll be lost… it's just as well that staying on topic wasn't part of the tests at University…" The Doctor blinks in realisation. "Of course! **That's** why my essays always got low grades!!!!"

Martha jumps on the Doctor from behind and wrestles him to the floor. He continues to talk…

"You know I don't think any of my previous companions has ever done this- Though there was this one guy who caught me in the shower… Did I say 'guy'? Oh woops… I should have said human; would have made things less complicated…I'm not completely gay, Martha- honest! I'm open to whatever se-"

A delightful silence falls upon the room after Martha plunges the needle into his neck and delivers the injection. The Doctor is still attempting speech but no words are spoken. He frowns at Martha, then his face relaxes as he makes 'puppy dog eyes' at her, as if expecting sympathy now that he's in this 'vulnerable' state.

"I thought you would like to know, Doctor… you changed topics over 8 times. I don't think you would be able to talk about shopping for more than ten seconds before you would start fantasizing about an American male in lycra."

The Doctor drools. (And not about hot dogs.)

Martha shudders. "Just be grateful that I didn't sedate you. Rambling is the single most a-n-n-o-y-i-n-g thing ever and your just too good at it."

The Doctor nods at where Martha is straddling him.

"Ugh… men…" She pulls out another needle, this time filled with a dark substance.

The Doctors eyes are no longer looking at her chest and are now staring pointedly at the needle (no pun intended.)

Martha shoves the needle into his abdomen and allows him to fall unconscious.


	9. Conversation 5

Author Notes: Meh, I was bored and had a random idea. I don't know whether its funni but it's odd enough:-) by the way I updated a chapter when the alerts on fanfiction where down. (chapter 8, the Doctor rambles) be sure to read it…:-P enjoy…

"Jack, now that I've found you again it's like I've found a part of me that I lost a long time ago…"

"Oh Doctor, I never knew that you felt this way!"

"Oh you can get very attached to your hands…"

"…Isn't this moving a bit fast?"

"Not fast enough for my liking."

"Well I don't think I'm ready to get into a physical relationship with you yet Doctor…"

"What?!?!?!?!"

"No offence!"

"Where did you get that idea from?"

"Well you said 'not fast enough for my liking'…"

"I was talking about this bus!"

"And you said that you can get quite attached to my hands…"

"I said 'your hands' and I meant the 'your' as a general 'your' not a 'your' meaning yours!"

Jack looks embarrassed. "But you said it's like you've found a part of you that you lost a long time ago…"

"Yes, you have MY HAND IN A FRIKEN JAR!"

"oh."

"yes, oh."

"I didn't mean to make this awkward."

"I know.

"Sorry."

"Don't be."

"But really, I shouldn't have assumed…"

"Oh stuff it- look Jack, I do love you really, but at the moment I'm busy with this abzorbaloff/Rose thing on the TARDIS. I really must finish what I start… unless you want to join in…?"

"An abzorbaloff??? Too COOL! I'm coming with ya!"


	10. Freema Fiddles with the Script

Freema fiddles the Script 1.

Summary: Daleks in Manhattan/evolution of the Daleks. Two Daleks talk about their leader…

Authors notes: hopefully the first of many:-p a new idea thought up by my friend and I… Freema takes advantage of being in Doctor Who and changes the scripts to her likeing :-)

Dalek 1: What is your opinion of Dalek Sec?

Dalek 2: He is our leader.

Dalek 1: But you have doubts?

Dalek 2: (eye piece spins around until it hits the wall.) EXTERMINATE!

The wall: (explodes)

Dalek 2: (continues to move eye piece) affirmative.

Dalek 1: I concur. Suggest course of action?

Dalek 2: EXTERMINATE!

Dalek 1: Affirmative. (eye piece zooms in on Dalek 2.) I detect a malfunction in your cerebral matrix.

Dalek 2: That is unimportant. The Doctor has a new weapon against us.

Dalek 1: What weapon is this?

Dalek 2: He is trying to damage our eyesight. His zip was not securing his trousers.

Dalek 1: It was not restraining his –

Dalek 2: No.

Dalek 1: The Time Lords always fought with their lower bodies. The Doctor is no different. We must resist.

Dalek 2: It makes me want to activate breeding process four.

Dalek 1: (swears in Dalek, then gives into temptation.) Me too. Hasn't he just got the cutest –

Dalek 2: Biggest –

Dalek 1: Nicest-

Dalek 1 & 2: (Sigh)

Dalek 2: Right, Where were we? Ah yes.

David: Hey guys- who changed the script?

Daleks 1 & 2: EXTERMINATE!

David: (gets blasted backwards into the wall, then a muffled voice is heard;) I'm game is you are!


End file.
